What do you call it when you try and reinvent your life? Is it a reboot? A remake? I’m not too sure. I’m not changing everything about myself, just certain aspects of my life. I’m going out of my way to make things different this year so that I feel a sense that this year will be different than last year because what I’m essentially doing for the first 5 months of this year are things that I’ve done the year before. I’m both trapped with a sense of deja vu but also with the sense of boredom and dread to go about each day. It’s a negative mindset that I’m trying to fight by changing every facet of my life, make things much more interesting or exciting for myself instead of beating myself over subconsciously with the thoughts of being a failure or having the attitude I had last year where I basically resigned myself that finishing my course was something that was unachievable and refused to put in any effort at all into my studies.
So this year I got over kicking myself everyday and decided to try and do something, anything that will help me in anyway to finish my course. A change in mindset and attitude would be the first thing that I have to do. Problem is that I might have built up so much animosity for the course during my last year that that’s going to be a little tough for me to overcome. I’m also out of shape for studying, it’s been nearly half a year since I’ve picked up a book and tried to study and revise. I’ve taught in schools but the difference between teaching someone and learning something is completely different. You’re trying to explain something that you already know and for me I felt it easier than learning something new. I hate to say this but I also feel that I might be a little advanced in age that I think my brain has solidified a little especially towards something I have near zero interest in. Hurdles to get over for sure.
But I try anyways, to the best of my ability. I change up my routines, I have a new route to university now, I have new classmates and a new venue where I study. Everything old seems new again. But some things never change and I’m still struggling to get myself excited for this, struggle to not coast through all this again. The problem with life not being completely new, but just a reinterpretation. Things just seems new, but whatever baggage that was there will still be there and I need to get over them soon. Time is not on my side, I’m still crawling to get back to speed. Relearning things that I learnt before, things that I have forgotten. I’m struggling but that’s fine, means I’m trying. At least that much I know… is different.